Oh, Yes, He Did

Published by Starshine Roshell on October 27, 2020

Forget the Issues; Here’s What Swing State Voters Need to Remember Trump Has Done

If you know any undecided voters in Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania or Wisconsin, will you please share this with them — like today? Thank you kindly.

Dear Swing State Voter,

This isn’t a rant about guns, same-sex marriage, reproductive rights, or global warming. Those are issues — and issues are for elections with two qualified candidates of unequivocal character. I hope to have the luxury of debating issues with you again someday.

What this is: just a list of well-documented things Donald Trump has done (go ahead, look ’em up) while overseeing the most powerful country on Earth. We joke about having become numb to the shocking behavior coming from the White House over the past four years. But today, as the electorate waits for you to fill in the tiny oval that best reflects your values — it’s worth remembering.

Why Are So Many Folks Hankering for a Pandemic Pup?

Published by Starshine Roshell on October 27, 2020

Meet Ziggy. And say goodbye to my Mexican heather.

I Took This Quaran-tunity to Adopt a Furry Friend

Looking back, it may not have been the best idea to get a puppy right after replanting our entire backyard. In the course of managing COVIDoldrums, they both just seemed like smart, unrelated projects to occupy our time.

Even as I type this, though, there’s a muddy-muzzled, filthy-pawed, remorseless little furball on the pale rug beside me gnawing maniacally on one of the five plants she uprooted today and lugged into my office, dirt clods and all.

It’s not like we needed a puppy. We have a perfectly good adult dog already, and our life was pleasantly predictable. We could sleep through the night. We could open our front door without fear of any residents escaping. Our hands were not covered in lacerations from tiny, “YOW!”-inducing needle teeth.

But when it became clear that life outside of our wearisome walls would not be resuming anytime soon, we joined thousands across the nation and took this quaran-tunity to adopt a furry friend.

Enlisting the Break-Up Pros

Published by Starshine Roshell on September 30, 2020

Could Japan’s Wakaresaseya Woo Away Our Ball-and-Chain POTUS?

Dear Wakaresaseya Agency,

We were recently perusing the news when among the usual fare of planetary plagues, unsurvivable hurricanes, and right-wing Christian three-ways, we read about your surreptitious services. We don’t mind confessing we’re entirely intrigued.

Can it be true there are businesses in Japan dedicated solely to breaking up relationships? And that people hire these covert agents to bust up their own marriages by luring their spouses into affairs??

It’s hard to believe — but then again, if someone had told us six months ago that we’d be marching to save the US Freaking Postal Service and shoveling mountains of money at Ole Grampa Biden, we’d have laughed in their unmasked face, sputtering, “Shyeah, right, I’d sooner homeschool my kids!”

Zooming Away from Privacy

Published by Starshine Roshell on July 10, 2020

Nonstop Video Conferencing Puts Our Once-Secret Sanctuaries on Display

It’s gutting the economy, ravaging health care, and battering education. But fewer are talking about the ways this pandemic may be impacting our culture, taking things from us — lovely things — that we might never get back.

Rock concerts. Open-office floor plans. Fro-yo toppings bars.

You know what else is likely to be rendered obsolete in a post-COVID world? Curtains. Shutters. And blinds.

While our homes were once sacred spaces where we were free to let down our guards, the new dangers of the outside world have forced us to invite the outside — awkwardly and perhaps ill-advisedly — in.

Now, between Zoom, FaceTime, Teams, BlueJeans, and Google Hangout, there are more ways to bring strangers into your home than there are good excuses to leave it.

Mating in Captivity?

Published by Starshine Roshell on May 2, 2020

Why the Wave of ‘Quarantine Babies’ Must Be a Myth

I’ve heard the prophecy. You’ve heard the prophecy. By now we’ve all heard it: Nine months from now, we’ll see a wave of “quarantine babies,” conceived while humans across the globe stayed indoors and *wink, wink* found ways of entertaining themselves.

But I don’t believe it for a minute.

Have you ever seen a porno featuring a couple in sweatpants and rubber gloves wiping down boxes of frozen waffles and Minute Rice with spray bleach after returning, face-masked and reeking of Purell, from a terrified jaunt to the market?

The answer is no, my friends. No, you have not.

Because this moment we’re suffering through is not a sexy moment. In fact, this bizarre blip in history couldn’t be less of a turn-on if it were a glob of ketchup-flavored spittle dangling from Donald Trump’s twaddle-spewing flaptrap.

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