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Dear Prop. 8 Supporters

Woo hoo! You did it! You really stuck it to those romance-punchy, justice-squawking gays. It’s been two weeks since you succeeded in “protecting” the fine institute of marriage from those who would … who would … I don’t know, but I’m sure they would muck it up somehow.

So tell me, how does it feel?

Well, that’s a silly question because it feels the same as it did before, right? Your happy hetero marriage wasn’t actually affected by the vote. Really, your life is exactly the same today as if Prop. 8 had failed. It’s only those sexual deviants — the monogamous ones, the ones whose lives look just like yours except for their pelvic hardware — whose lives have changed. Some of them may even have their marriages busted up.

But it does feel good to deny people something they really want, doesn’t it? Something you were born with but they’ve had to plead for. Ha! Good times, good times.

You were so worried your kids would learn about gay marriage in school. Now, thanks to your vote, they’ll learn something else: that when they realize they’re gay — and one out of 10 absolutely will — the Golden State will cease to treat them as equal citizens.

The good news is your god is happy now. At peace. Not threatening to pelt us all with locusts or anything, right? Although, do you wonder, as I do, why he hasn’t yet smote anyone down in Massachusetts, where gay marriage has been legal for four years? Or in the entire nation of Canada? Maybe God doesn’t “recognize” Canada in the same way California no longer “recognizes” gay marriage. Maybe if we ignore them both, they’ll go away.

I do worry that your vague “religious freedom” defense may have turned some people against your faith. Lots of folks who were ambivalent about your church now are sort of sickened by it. But why? You’re not the bad guys! You just think homosexuality is wrong. It doesn’t turn you on. Or it does, but you really, really don’t want anyone to know that.

You’re hot for “traditional” marriage — which, you have to admit, is funny considering a third of your campaign was funded by Mormons, who think marriage should be between a man and, ahem, as many women as he needs to feel holy.

Now that the election’s over, do you ever stop to think: If we compared your traditional partnership with that of a ring-seeking gay couple, how would your commitment measure up? Is it stronger? More pure? More righteous? If you and your spouse had to endure the discrimination gay couples face daily, would your relationship prevail? Would the “marriage” label be worth it to you?

Funny. It is to them.

But forgive me for getting so “thinky” about these issues. I know people with college educations voted overwhelmingly against Prop. 8. It makes me wonder: If you were just a little smarter, would it make you kinder?

No matter, though. The fact is you’re winners. And you should flaunt it. Keep that yellow “Yes” sticker on your car until it fades to white, and stick out your tongue at drivers with rainbow decals. Because the other group that voted overwhelmingly against 8 is young folks. And as they dust the cobwebs out of our voting booths in the coming years, they’re going to outlaw your particular brand of bigotry. It’s inevitable: For all your popular arguments — selfish and senseless as they were — history will remember you as losers.

I wonder if you’ll “recognize” it.

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My columns are collected in three lovely books, which make a SPLENDID gift for wives, friends, book clubs, hostesses, and anyone who likes to laugh!
Keep Your Skirt On
Wife on the Edge
Broad Assumptions
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