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December 9, 2010

Faux Ho Ho

Are Fake Trees Cheating?


Which is how I came to be staring, as I type this, at a gargantuan Madison Pine Tree (note: nature offers no such tree) with 700 garish lights the color of Dance Fever's migraine-inducing dance floor. And get this: The thing rotates on its stand. It's a motorized monument to the tawdry spectacle that is Christmas.

But I'll say this about hauling home my first faux fir: It was not hassle-free.

Catching the tail-end of a brief sale, we rushed to the store for a bargain bush, only to find it was out of stock. The second store was out, too, but agreed to sell us the floor model: boxless, without replacement bulbs or fuses, and stringed with icky cotton snow. Sigh. Fine.

Now instead of vacuuming up real pine needles, I'm sweeping up fake ones. Along with creepy clumps of faux snow. And I have a feeling I will spend the rest of my life obsessively bending and separating the 2,487 branch tips to fill any holes that might otherwise make the tree appear, well, lifelike.

Because this season, my schedule, my budget, and my diet won't be balanced. But my damn tree will.


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Keywords: christmas  holidays  inevitable combustion 


Comments


OMG Starshine, thank you for voicing the niggling conversation I've been having in my head about faux vs. real and the holiday hooplapalooza! I see I am not alone!
Ellen

Thu, Dec , 13:48:32


You are so frikin funny and your right on! This is what my hubby and I laugh and talk about every year. We went Faux!
Lisa Gunn

Sun, Dec 12, 2010


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