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If I Ran the Zoo


For a century now, it has sat in this spot.
And the townsfolk have liked it. They’ve liked it a lot.
But the Pleasantville Zoo saw some changes the day
That a fat cat decided she must have her way.


“It’s a pretty good zoo,” said Ms. Hootie McWho
“And the people who work there seem competent, too.
“But if I ran the zoo, if I bought it from you,
“I would make a few changes. That’s just what I’d do.


“There are too many critters, I tell you, too many.
In the new zoo, McWho’s Zoo, there will not be any.
There will be no more monkeys, no meerkats, no mice.
Because animals shouldn’t be caged. It’s not nice.


“I’ll free all the geckos, the sloths and the skinks
And the blood-sucking poisonous toads (those poor things).
I’ll release the flamingos, the crane and the pheasant,
And the screeching macaw, which I find rather pleasant.


“This new zoo will be cool! It will be so un-cruel!
It will be the town’s pride! It will be the town’s jewel!
Oh, but wait now, just wait. There’s a problem I see:
Namely, who wants a zoo that is animal-free?


“Empty dens, empty pens, empty cages and pools …
The town may not notice. Let’s face it. They’re fools.
Ah, but here’s an idea. Never mind the giraffe.
Why not have some real fun? Why not lock up … the staff?


“Yes, it’s perfect! I’ll lock up the staff on the double.
For when they roam free, they are nothing but trouble.
I’ll corral every hard-working uniformed bloke
from the cage-mucking boy to that gal who sells Coke.


“And I tell you, those workers will make quite a show.
They will rattle their cages! Just look at them go!
I will teach them to juggle and smile and say ‘Please.”
I will teach them to do it from down on their knees.


When all three of my friends come to visit my zoo,
We can heckle my pets and flick rocks at them, too.
And just thinkÑoh just thinkÑhow much fun it will be!
And the whole stinking planet will wish it were me! …”


Almost nobody visits the Zoo anymore.
With no gnus to be found there, it’s really a bore.
But Ms. Hootie McWho is not lonely, far from it.
She’s hired new hapless zoo workers to run it.


One by one, as her beasties escape from their pens,
She just locks up the poor serfs who mucked out their dens.
Cuz no matter how far your ideas may be flung …
You can always find someone to shovel your dung.

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Keep Your Skirt On
Wife on the Edge
Broad Assumptions
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